inkskinned:

growing up with someone who hurts us as our guardian does more than make our childhood a flinch we don’t speak about. 

they talk a lot about how the cycle should be broken, but we have to break little habits, too. we are taught that love looks like yelling, that the only way to express ourselves is to explode. we say things like, “i’m horrible” because we mean “thank you for being with me.” we don’t know how to say soft things, are scared to confront our own feelings. 

it is hard. a lot of what we are taught gets under our skin. little things that hurt others without us meaning to. the result of living in a toxic house is that you can be toxic, too. even those of us who are doing our best to be better, to be nothing like our parents: we have to constantly check with our loved ones that we are not controlling them. we have to look at every behavior with a microscope – are we complaining too much? or is bottling it up not healthy? or are we just used to nit-picking? or is this a legitimate problem which we should voice? are we saying this nice enough but serious enough to get the point across? or are we being unfair?

the truth about bad parents is that it is not a childhood problem that erases in college. the one source of unconditional love you were supposed to receive ends up only loving you conditionally – only if you’re quiet, if you tread lightly. 

it is hard. we are the ones who have to read those “how to know if your partner is toxic” posts and see if we are displaying those behaviors. we live in terror of being our parents’ ghosts. 

but we can be better. we can make a house a home. i believe in you. you’re not alone.